How to end a dry spell in a relationship – Femina

The excitement is always palpable in a new relationship. Right from grooming, to paying attention to your outfit or tiny details for those dinner dates and movie nights, the enthusiasm constantly keeps us on our toes. And while you and your partner are still discovering each others habits and behaviour patterns, the sexual chemistry with a new beau is probably the highlight of the relationship. You look forward to a romp between the sheets, and are never too tired or bored to get into the mood. You think youve aced it, till you fall into a rut, and your partners presence becomes part of your routine. Perhaps other priorities occupy your headspace or life, or you may be too stressed at work, but whatever it is, you start to taper off and sex is no longer a priority. In some cases, the situation worsens until you realise youre not having sex at all!

Dry spells are normal, no doubt. A survey conducted earlier this year by Swedish intimate lifestyle company LELO in the United States, discovered that 28 percent of the population is going through a sex drought. Of this, 31 per cent are not focused on sex, 25 per cent are in long-distance relationships, and 24 per cent have busy work schedules. You might think you are stuck in a mundane relationship, and therefore distance yourself further from your significant other. This is a bigger mistake and will certainly not help the cause. While its not always easy to get back into the game, addressing a few key issues will get you going for sure!

Assess the situationGet to the root of the matter and figure out why you arent having sex. Manjula MK, Chennai-based psychologist and relationships advisor says, The reasons could range from partners being in demanding jobs that require constant travelling, to unaddressed sexual trauma. If the reason is practical and circumstantial, for instance, say youre in a long-distance relationship, then its easier to pinpoint. However, serious causes like sexual incompatibility, feeling a lack of connection with your partner, your own state of mind, etc., are tougher to detect. Assessing this, either with your partner or on your own, is the first step towards understanding and remedying the sex drought.

Be open with communicationIt may not always be pleasant, and depending on the kind of communication you have with your partner, it could also be awkward. However, it takes two to make love, so youre going to have to involve your partner at some level. Jayanti Krishna*, a 28-year-old home entrepreneur from Chennai recalls, My husband and I got married young, and the first couple of years were bliss. However, after the birth of our daughter, who is now three, our priorities completely shifted. We spent more time parenting, and less time with each other. The erratic sleep schedules drained us, and we were unable to eke out time to get intimate. In fact, for almost two years, we didnt have any sex. Soon, Krishna realised that they were drifting apart as a couple, and spoke to her husband. We decided to be practical about it, and now make time for each other, even if it is only thrice a month. We make sure our daughter is safe, either at school or with a grandparent, and take time off work to devote a couple of hours at a stretch to have sex, she says. Discussing your concerns frankly not only helps in resolving issues, but also sets the pace to making you feel closer as a couple.

Focus on quality, not quantityIf youve already going through a dry spell, dont jump back in with the intention of getting to it a few times a day. Instead, focus on spending quality time, even if you need to space it out. Remember, familiarity breeds contempt. So, if youre joined at the hip, you may get fed up and re-enter the sex drought phase, sooner than youd imagine. Santhanam Jagannathan, a Chennai-based sexologist says, Quality sex can ensure that you keep coming back for more. The thumb rule is to take enough time for foreplay, and to ensure both partners are fully aroused. This can make sex satisfying. The use of tools such as lubricants, sex toys and in some cases, even pornography, can be explored. All this takes time and effort, so ensure you work towards fulfilling sex, rather than just frequent sex.

Have realistic expectationsThe initial rush of a romance may or may not return, and its best to be practical when youre trying to end the sex drought in your relationship. Factors like emotions, lifestyle changes, and boredom that have contributed to the dry spell wont just vanish overnight. Ragini Nair*, a 32-year-old secretary in an MNC in Chennai says, My partner and I are compatible but somehow, the sex suddenly started feeling like too much work, because the drive didnt stem as organically as it did. Nair and her partner went without sex for eight months, until they realised that sex didnt have to be as electrifying as it was in the beginning. We would do what was comfortable; some days we would just make out, on other days, we would go down on each other, and on other occasions, we would just lie in bed naked and talk. We do have sex now, not too infrequently, but we have made peace with our expectations.

Try something newOften, the spark is missing simply because the novelty of doing things together fades away. That hot and heavy sex that may have brought you together is not what is going to sustain the relationship, Dr Lisa Bahar, a US-based licensed marriage and family therapist was quoted in an interview in 2013. Now is the time to build intimacy on a deeper level, which requires awareness and a willingness to be curious about your partner in new ways that create spontaneous intimacy. Make it a point to try something new together, so that youre always surprising yourselves. Maria DMello, a Chennai-based relationship counsellor advises, Start a new hobby together, take up dance classes, or even just set time aside twice a week for a romantic movie date. Get back into the groove of things, and start flirting with one another, reliving your romance stage by stage. If time permits, travel as much as you can. If not, steam up the processsexting when he least expects it, or by surprising him with an erotic massage. He is sure to return the favour.

Get into the role Sometimes, a sexual dry spell could be caused by physical triggers. Heres what you need to watch out for:Contraception: Ironically, most contraceptive pills, designed to allow you to enjoy sex without worrying about pregnancies, are the ones that could hamper your sex drive. This is because of the hormonal changes that occur in the body, lowering the androgen content, and hampering your sex drive. If you feel this is the issue, address it with your gynaecologist.Menopause: While in some cases menopause gets your sex drive high, in others it can hamper the process, thanks to vaginal dryness, hot flushes, mood swings, and decrease in estrogen levels. Theres nothing much you can do here, except wait it out. However, if you want to end the sexual dry spell, hormone replacement therapy and lubricants can help.Lifestyle habits: Lack of sleep is directly linked to a decreased libido. People who sleep for less than five hours a night are in danger of a reduced sex drive. While the odd glass of wine is fine, excess alcohol can also impact your sexual routine, as can smoking. The only solution is to turn around your lifestyle habits.

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How to end a dry spell in a relationship - Femina